My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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