so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
