I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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