Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
