Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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