finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
