Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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