Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize