Just fell off a train. Bad.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
