My girlfriend figured out who you are.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
YAS. BRING CRAB.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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