so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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