Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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