Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
