Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize