I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
