I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
