it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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