I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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