Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
