Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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