My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
