At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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