Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
