I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
