Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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