fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Randomize
