im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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