i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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