and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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