I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
