I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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