you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize