My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
