I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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