dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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