i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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