I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
