Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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