im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
