Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
