Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
