So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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