In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I need to align my fucking chakras
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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