It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize