I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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