My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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