I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
