My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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