At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize