my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
