just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
