Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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