I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
