Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I got inside last night via doggy door
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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