My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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