somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
