Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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