U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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