I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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