I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
