you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
